The Northumberland Nutcracker

The Northumberland Nutcracker

When: 14/12/13

Distance: 72.8 miles

Elevation Gain: 5,007 ft

Cafe stop: The Sun Kitchen, Rothbury

Route: Here

In defiance of short days, mediocre weather forecasts and general winter lethargy, eight intrepid cyclists - okay, seven intrepid cyclist and one old bloke assembled in a cold and breezy car park somewhere between Newcastle and Scotland. With the wind at our backs we breezed along quiet Northumbrian lanes to the market town of Rothbury, losing two riders on the way, one through illness and injury, the other, a local rider was wise to the forecast and our route: he headed for home.

Following an excellent coffee and mince pie stop, we left Rothbury, at the same time as the amenable weather we had been enjoying; light drizzle accompanied us to the outskirts of Rothbury but soon blew over. A steep climb took us into the wind for the first time, markedly reducing our average speed, even on the descent into the village of Elsdon and bringing some realisation of what we were up against. We refrained from visiting the popular cyclist’s tea room in Elsdon, free top ups and a room full of cycling memorabilia would have meant finishing our ride in the dark.  

Our next objective, the hill of Winter’s Gibbet (a mere 5/10 in the Simon Warren book) was not made any easier by the gusting side wind, intent on picking up careless cyclists and dashing them into the grass verge. After pausing to refuel and admire said gibbet, we risked life and limb on the descent, being pushed sideways at 20 mph is a lot scarier than being pushed sideways at 4 mph. My superior weight helped at this point, the stickmen at the front must have suffered. Then we turned into the wind, which, just to give us that bit of extra training, had turned up the power, gusting up to 50 mph. “Not too worry” said our perpetually optimistic route planner, “it’s only seven miles.” And a long seven miles it was too, head down on the bars, hoping for the all too infrequent shelter of a hedgerow, the monotony only broken by having to stop as a herd of sheep crossed the road.

The weather gods were kind to us at the next turn and we found ourselves with a tailwind to help us up the locally infamous Ryals, (another 5/10 in the Simon Warren book, can’t Geordies manage proper hills?) merely a series of short sharp ascents. Once these were dispatched it was pretty much downhill all the way back to Ponteland.

Top marks to Josh for organising and planning, it really is a fantastic route and I for one would love to go and do it again, perhaps without the hideous wind.

Columba Chemo Classic Charity Ride

Vital statistics:

When: 10/11/2013

Distance: 61.2 miles

Elevation gain: +5170ft

Café stop: n/a

Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/1992595

An 8 am meet at Richmond Comp was proposed by the Café Racers for the Columba Chemo sportive. Not a full turn out: some were at work. Attendees for the day were: Chairman Wheels Whelan, Dom, Pete, Pete's other brother John, and me: the Boy Wonder. On arrival we were surrounded by the usual fellow participants many of whom were adorned in Rapha and Assos gear sporting some very extravagant bikes, all extremely keen to get started. As is normal for these occasions we generally feel slightly out of place and a little uncomfortable surrounded by uber keen roadies who on the face of it appear to be so much fitter than any of us. For approximately 10 minutes we pretended to get ready phased by our fellow roadies and the cold autumnal start to the day. Spirits were however high within the group, a nice ride around the picturesque Yorkshire Dales awaited, knowing that the work ahead would keep us warm. 

In order to get to the start of the ride an easy freewheel was in order. Registration was a well organised affair in a very nice clubhouse. Numbers were given and entered into the computer, the Chairman spent what seemed to be 10 mins shuffling around outside of the toilets without actually going, a very dubious affair the jury is out as to whether he has a sideline in cottaging. God knows how he managed to loiter around there for so long as the environment was 'challenging' to say the least, which tends to be the norm after approximately 100 roadies make use of the facilities. Having finally decided to abandon his attempts to drain his peanut bladder we set of into the cold autumnal morning, just as the rain began.

After 1 mile the Chairman's bladder was unable to withstand his 3 coffees and a stop was required. Most complained of cold hands however attempts were made to reassure each other that things would improve. A good distance of quick miles followed with the group dancing in and out of showers, all were complaining of cold hands and the first worrying signs began. A couple of small climbs were reached outside of Leyburn and hands were beginning to warm up. It seemed that the day would pan out as anticipated. Standing water and a lack of mud guards within the group saw a few of us getting wet feet. Pete the only prepared member of the team was experiencing technical difficulties with his mudguards, however after a few minutes of pulling (which was as technical as things got) the mud guards were miraculously fixed. At the time the wet feet weren't posing too many problems. 

At this point in the ride report things begin to get a little grainy. Perhaps due to the amount of  time spent on warming up hands or the early stages of hypothermia the trials that the road held were quickly becoming hazy (for me anyway). The other members of the group seemed to be fairing better, I however due to my serious lacking of subcutaneous tissue was struggling. The next notable section of the route was the long climb to the top of Park Rash: notable for the amount of suffering that the group endured. The last time we road this section of road the sun was shining, the birds were singing and the skin was burning. Today the birds were getting shot at, the skin was turning blue and the sun had pissed off towards the southern hemisphere leaving us to a 'sufferfest'. Approximately one third of a way up the climb things rapidly started to get worse as we experienced our first snow fall of the year and a head wind that proved mildly challenging. On the up side we were working hard and as a result keeping the frostbite at bay. Spirits were high at the top of the climb, we had endured, we had overcome, and we were pleased with our efforts. The easy downhill was to follow! Unfortunately what would normally be a really positive grin inducing experience the downhill that followed was tough! Hands quickly became frozen and unable to brake effectively whilst our feet were now a long forgotten extremity. If you were wearing glasses they were quickly covered with a film of slush if you weren't your eyes were stinging so much you were probably better off closing them.

At the foot of Park Rash UK Medics were awaiting riders. Staring into the eyes of all participants looking for tell tale signs of hypothermia. The words "pick me" ran around the inside of my head. "Pick me, pick me.." The incompetent bastards didn't. 

We were now on the road to Kettlewell. I was on a fast descent into the bowels of hell. With frozen hands and feet the group progressed. Pete and John were behind. Thankfully they too made it to the bottom of Park Rash unscathed. With approximately eight miles till the group reached the feed station Pete and John caught us up, slowed by my rapidly deteriorating condition. A quick stop allowed for wees and food. Unfortunately all of this was too little too late. Another climb loomed and I was quickly resembling a corpse. The chairman after two weeks of pastries had laid down some serious chub, the suffering wasn't for him and he disappeared into the rain climbing like a reincarnated Charly Gaul and replicating his legendary climbs in the Giro. Thankfully for me Dom 'the angel' White realised that I was finished and his well timed energy gel and coercion coaxed me to the top of the hill and onto the feed station. 

Feed stations are normally places where the group take the opportunity to laugh at others (well they are for me anyway). 1000 yard stares are common place especially on a day like today. This time the group were spending all of their time staring into my eyes and wondering how the hell to get me home. After 10 minutes of moral boosting chit chat, cups of soup and coffee we were back on the road. Straight onto the biggest climb of the day. After what seemed like an endless struggle the group again held back by the Boy Blunder submitted.

It was all down hill from here, well in the main. I can't speak for the group but that was probably one of my toughest days on the bike. Looking back however, and here I probably can speak for the group the sense of achievement on looking back at the day is immense. It was by no means our longest ride and for that reason it may have been underestimated, but it was definitely one of the hardest. In the words of Dickens "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Thanks chaps it was emotional!

Adam.

[Simon] Sorry for the lack of photos, Actually, it's probably for the best.

The Buttertubs Bonanza

Vital statistics:

When: 13/10/2013

Distance: 82.5 miles

Elevation gain: +8408ft

Café stop: Penny Garth Café (Hawes), Ivy Cottage Tea Room (Reeth).

Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/1915326 

At a time of year when legs are tired and for many riders the season is over – we must also remember that for some this is their last chance to earn themselves a contract for next season.  A freshly crowned world road champion, Rui Costa, was unable to attend this often over-looked end of season Sportive but the increasing pressure to ensure a pay check for next season meant a strong turnout from UCI pro-tour teams the Café Racers and Team GARFELTIZED.

Having previously ridden together at prestigious events (Durham Beast Ride, Stockton Velo) many of the riders were no strangers to each other and road captain Chairman Whelan ensured that the riders were well marshalled, directed and most importantly fed!

Early weather forecasts meant most riders started the day sweating profusely as they worked their way up the first major ascent of the day – the Stang.  With salt still stinging the eyes it was not long until the epic 8 mile drag to Britain’s Highest Inn (Tan Hill) was started with a furious tempo nearly dropping some of the peloton.  Reports from the back said that it was glorious sight to see 9 riders strung out on the road ahead.

The next stretch of road was all a build up to ‘Yorkshires Best Descent’ – sadly the damp tarmac meant that full horse power could not be applied – but a return trip in dry conditions and with a kind wind could mean that descend speed GARMIN PBs are smashed left, right and centre!

Riders then took full advantage of the 1st feed station at Hawes where mushroom soup, paninis and assorted cakes were hastily * eaten (* for hastily, replace slowly in efforts to dodge the rain) with the coffee receiving glowing reviews.  The welcome warmth from the rain and cold wind was not felt by all riders with one hard man of the peloton opting to ride in fingerless gloves.

A key moment of refuelling at the 50 mile check point and resisting the urge to stop at the Wensleydale Cheese Factory ensured successful ascents by all, of Buttertubs Pass – an official categorised climb of the 2014 Tour de France route.  Rumour has it that Dave Brailsford of Team Sky is attempting to access the Team’s GARMIN data on the road as feedback for Chris Froome…a superb climb with freshly laid tarmac on a descent which offered stunning views down the valley and a taste of what’s to come in 2014 when hopefully bathed in June/July sunshine and a fleet of helicopters filming proceedings.

The next optional feed station at Reeth was taken up by half the riders and a glowing review of a very ‘homely’ café.  A potential for future stops and on a sunny day, the ice cream parlour in Reeth could be a winner…also, the bathroom in the café was actually the owners own bathroom so bath/shower was a possibility that the 5 men at the café did well to resist!

The remaining 10 miles to Kirby Hill saw most riders having to dig deep into the suitcase of courage to complete the route.  Notable efforts were given by Mike who ground his way through the final miles which featured as extra bonus ascent out of Maske as Chairman Whelan and Rich ‘The Power’ House were not feeling tired enough (definitely not lost, just wanted the extra miles…).  Some splendid improvised mechanical work involving tying a knot in a gear cable ensured that in fading light, all riders returned unharmed to the Shoulder of Mutton.  78 miles, 2700 meters of ascent with 3 climbs from Simon Warren’s 100 toughest climbs books – a superb day in the saddle and topped off with a Trip Advisor rated “2nd best restaurant in Richmond”. 

GARFELTIZED team management would very much like to extend and return the hospitality offered by Chairman Whelan on some Northumbrian roads very soon.

This ride report was kindly provided by Josh 'Cup Half Full, Thighs of Courage' Wood of Team...

 

 ...who joined us in this harmonious collaboration between Tyne and Tees lovers of tarmac.

[click photo for the full gallery]

The Serious Ride For Serious Men

19th May 2013. 68.5 miles. 6,506 ft ascent. Ride Map

The Serious Ride For Serious Men.

A road bike ride organised by Chairman Simon “‘dancing on the pedals” Whelan of The Cafe Racers, a sub-group of The Terra Trailblazers for those who take their pleasures on the less rugged side, where mud, rock and roots are viewed with the same enthusiasm as being kidnapped by a gang of predatory homosexuals who don’t have a tub of Assos cream between them and the mere sight of anything other than pristine tarmac elicits frowns and a high degree of wheel anxiety.

Our motley crew of Mamils and Lycra Louts assembled some ungodly hour in the pub car park at Ingleby Greenhow and pedalled to Kildale, passing the still closed Glebe Cottage, ascending gradually to Percy Cross crossroads where we turned right and made our way to Westerdale, the start of the proper climbing, three downs and three ups brought us to the Castleton - Hutton Le Hole road near Ralphs Cross. 

And down into Rosedale Abbey we went, directly to the public toilets, for peanut bladder voiding and worry wees prior to the big challenge of the day, Chimney Bank, or as it is more commonly known, The Infamous Chimney Bank. After pausing for the obligatory picture in front of the warning sign, we set off, The Stick Men leading the way, while the non-anorexics took a more leisurely approach. The climb begins quite amicably until the fabled 33% hairpins which, with a bit of determination, were not too bad, the next section is the killer, only slightly less steep than the hairpins but seemingly neverending, the Devil on my shoulder was whispering have a breather but the thought of the tick was stronger and I pressed on until the angle eased to merely steep, the sign at the top came into view soon after and it was over. Chimney Bank: tick. The Anorexics Anonymous crew were waiting at the top with cameras and congratulations.

From here it was an easy run to Helmsley for the mandatory coffee and cake stop, refueling before the next leg. A steady pull out of Helmsley, then a drop into Hawnby followed by the up and down road to Osmotherley and once again, directly to the public toilets for peanut bladder drainage. Seven miles to our next objective, Carlton Bank, a difficult enough climb when fresh but after 58 miles of hilly terrain? Soon we had our answer - just possible for some of us, a bit of a romp for others. 

The last climb up the ‘easy’ side of Clay Bank was despatched and then, as the saying goes, it’s all downhill from here. We rode from Clay Bank to Ingleby Greenhow at speeds which may be considered unwise for a person approaching middle age like myself, bearing in mind my last tumble resulted in broken bones and several weeks off the bike. 

Arriving back at the pub we suffered our only disappointment of the day, they didn’t start serving food for another two hours.

White Horse Sportive, Stokesley

Vital statistics:

When: 28/09/2013
Distance: 67.3 miles
Elevation gain: +6200ft
Café stop: NO!!!!
Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/1855701
Hero of the day: all those who pedalled up Carlton bank before 8.30am

We, the men who love café’s, gathered early for the penultimate ‘big’ ride of the season. It was cold but we were all looking forward to the spin out over the moors and as usual we were heavily laden with foodstuffs inspired by the feed zones portable book. After a slightly delayed start caused by a couple of last minute worry wees we were soon faced with an ascent of Carlton bank, one of the North Yorkshire Moors finest (?) climbs. I think important to point out the two hotshots of our ramshackle group managed sub 10 minute ascents of Carlton bank so respect is due. The two non-hotshots just managed it.

Aside from the tedious slog up Negate Bank it was onwards and downwards to Helmsley. Unfortunately our chairman, in his wisdom, forbade us from visiting Porters Café in Helmsley. Two rides blogged and not a café stop in sight-we may have to change our name. Some lovely riding through picturesque villages made up for the lack of coffee and cake and led us, separately by this stage, to Kilburn Bank, the second big hill of the day. I’m not sure how my fellow café racers fared but I thought it not too bad really-my good legs for the day. Shortly after the climb I stumbled up on our two sub 10 minute hotshots by the side of the road-one looking decidedly peaky and the other stumbling furtively into the bushes. The mind boggles!! More pleasant riding followed, over lumpy moorland terrain, leading us on to Osmotherley for a quick snack and drink before an uneventful blast back to Stokesley for a sub 5hr finish. A convivial and sophisticated post-ride coffee was brewed up and drunk sprawled out sweatily in the middle of the car park.

Well, the first full and proper road riding season is nearly over. The weather has been fantastic, the riding superb and the company outstanding. We’ve gone from being the relative newbies who were worrying about completing a 50 mile sportive to successfully completing the Fred Whitton challenge with a clean sheet, managing the whole distance without pushing up a single hill. We all have proper bikes and lycra now but none of us have been man enough to shave our legs.

End of season thoughts: I think we need to visit more café’s, more frequently, to justify our club moniker; why do so many sportive riders sprint past me on the flat for me to ride past them 10 minutes later pushing up a hill? What challenges can we set for next year to top the monumental amount of vertical ascent we’ve packed in this year? Is it possible to make a feed zones portable style sherry trifle? And finally, if one of us does shave the old pins where does the razor stop- boxer short, briefs or neck level?

Until next time,

Dom.

[click photo for full album]

The Beast Ride, Durham

Vital statistics:

Distance: 49.2 miles

Elevation gain: +5,013ft

Café stop: n/a

Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/1770297

Hero of the day: Mr Saxo Tinkoff (see photos)

This time last year we lost our sportive virginity with the The Beast Ride. Fond memories of Dom learning how to go to the toilet in his first pair of bib-shorts and a post ride beef & gravy bap spring to mind. It was this bike ride that made us catch the bug for sportives and so will always be a special one. It is also a brilliant route on lush minor roads with killer climbs and really well organised. With a broad mix of ages, bikes and abilities, no one appears to take the ride too seriously and it makes for a perfect way to spend a sunny Sunday in early September. 

It seemed fitting that I managed to hassle two sportive first-timers into coming along this year; Jamie and my brother Damian. Given their lack of training, there were amazing efforts all round and we managed to cross the line in 4hr 26mins / 12.3mph average moving speed. Impressive rookie effort.

Simon.

[click photo for the full album]